Top 5 don’ts of sex

By Daniel Gingras

October 27, 2005

I awoke in the middle of the night, wrenched in terror, the vision of Talk Sex’s Sue Johansson still burnt in my mind. She was flailing a menacing dildo at me and prophesizing the epic sexual impact that my five don’ts of sex will have on the community at large. I can no more deny Sue’s wishes than I can ignore the natural calls of my loins (which, coincidentally, sound very much like a conch shell blown by king Neptune himself).

Dear Madams:

DON’T be silent or still during sex. Participate. You’ll have more fun. Sex is a lot like a roller coaster ride. Wave your hands in the air, scream at the top of your lungs, and then get back in line and wait however long it takes to do it again because, hey, it’s a heart-pounding thrill-ride. Giving vocal indications of your excitement will excite us in turn, and guide us to the things you like best. Your signals will also halt us if we do something you’re not so keen on too.

DON’T be afraid. Be adventurous. If you memorize pages from the illustrated pocket Kama Sutra in your spare time, sex is your time to shine. Do not be afraid to scream out, “Page 15! The Position of the Goat and the Tree!” if that’s what you crave. Talk to us about reenacting a scene from your favorite movie, or buying those sweet superhero costumes from Fanny Wrapper’s. Sneak onto Cal Poly’s football field with us and do the dirty-bird on the 50-yard line. Individuals are a lot weirder than our collective society likes to acknowledge. If you’re brave about your desires, you’ll probably discover your man is willing and interested too.

DON’T expect men to initiate every time. As men, we accept our traditional role as the initiator, the aggressor, your mighty sexual conqueror etc. But we want ladies to know how unbearably sexy it is when you surprise us by ripping off our clothes. Catch us off-guard once in a while, and you will surely be rewarded with added enthusiasm in the bedroom.

DON’T sneak out in the morning. Cook him breakfast. Ladies do this in the movies all the time; your girlie bouncing around in your over-sized T-shirt and boxers is hot and bothering. Obviously, there are some other conditions that have to be met here. If it’s a random hook-up, maybe you’ve just got to chew your own arm off and split. Like if you had bad sex and you wake up in a pile of your own vomit, that’s not the occasion to go, “Look, I made you a scramble!” If it’s a new partner and things went well, he’ll be impressed by the courage and the grub. If it’s a familiar partner, you can enjoy that breakfast time together… and he’ll owe you one.

DON’T be a stalker. One-night stands happen. It’s unfortunate that people take advantage of each other or do things they regret when terms are unclear. Or maybe it was trickery; some guys will do anything to get to the finish line. But if love was your motive and sex was his, you’ve been duped. Don’t make it worse than it already is with a battle plan of affection. Your energy would be better spent either on revenge, or continuing the search for somebody who wants all of you, not just the sexy bits.

Love,

Daniel Gingras.

For questions, comments, or to ask Daniel on a blind date, e-mail him at dgingras@calpoly.edu.

Sex, Love, and Alcohol

By Daniel Gingras

October 20, 2005

What an amazing thing it is to be a college student in the 21st century. We stuff our brains, livers and suitcases to the point of explosion. We indulge in guilty pleasures like “text messaging” and “drunk-dialing.” We speak to each other in keyboard acronyms (ROFLMAOPIMP) and so many different regional slangs. We “hook up.” We “road trip.” We “beer bong.” We are capable of simultaneously fearing and desiring members of the opposite sex. We have “walks of shame.” We go shopping through our computers on an intricate network of information that hangs invisibly in the air, encoded into billions of ones and zeros.

If you time traveled 50 years back and told someone you needed to check your Facebook, you would be shot for being a communist. Or go 300 years back and stroll through the streets with white iPod ear buds coming out of your face and music blaring; you’d find a fiery death awaits you, warlock. In a 300-year trip into the future, we might be sidetracked by a worldwide dispute over the ethics of permitting inter-digital marriage between humans and figments of virtual reality. Anything’s possible, as was finally proven to me beyond doubt in 1990, when the western-themed sequel to a sequel, Back to the Future Part III, was released.

As a generation that juggles a rapidly changing time with our oldest desires and emotions, sometimes we fumble.

And then we panic. Because the complexity of things distracts us, when we need only to be thinking about the simplicity of them to understand ourselves. There are the things that have been around for ages. There are the things that are forever to be thinking about.

The most satisfying and meditative of all human thought is reflection on needs, on wants Do I have enough pleasure? Do I have challenging enough goals? If I stay up until 4 a.m. cramming all night, will I wake up in time for class? If I stay up until 4 a.m. binge drinking all night, will I wake up in time for class?

People have been killing each other and screwing each other since the dawn of time. That’s good. I’m happy that we stuck to some of the decisions we made.

I wouldn’t be surprised, either, if recreational drugging has its history rooted in cavemen seeking euphoria who sat around on Friday and Saturday nights clubbing each other on the cranium. Primarily, what I want to offer you, the readers, are my thoughts surrounding sex, love and alcohol — three corners of a social triangle that underlie every human being, and stems into everything else. It is my hope that these reflections can benefit us all, without hurting anybody’s cranium.

Lastly, if anyone knows a good way to remove the “Breakfast at Mother’s” stamps from my wrists, please e-mail me at dgingras@calpoly.edu. I am tired of going to school every Monday morning looking like an idiot.



Daniel Gingras is a civil engineering senior and Mustang Daily columnist